Monday, October 26, 2009

Mother's Gift

This evening seven years ago, my mother died. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in some ways it feels like a long, long time ago. I miss her terribly. She left a hole in my soul that cannot be filled by anyone else.

She was strict and loving and the perfect mother when we were young. Creating Halloween costumes, and birthday party games, and slumber party treats and expecting polite, compassionate, loving children. I'm sure there were times we disappointed but I hope those times were few. She took care of us when we were sick and rejoiced with us when we were happy.

She was petite and a sharp dresser. She laughed easily and had a quick wit. Everyone loved her.

The best gift she gave me was a set of tapes (yes, cassette tapes) of her and her older sister talking about their lives. The stories are fascinating but it's the sound of her voice I hunger for. When I hear that voice, I feel comforted and happy.

Today is a melancholy day. Bittersweet. But it will pass and life will go on but the legacy my mother left behind will always be in my heart.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Random Thoughts on Rain

It is raining today. Really raining. Not a light drizzle but good old steady rain. And it is cold. The damp kind of cold that goes into your bones. I have my space heater on under my desk.

But the rain is also beautiful. It washes the sidewalk and the street and the grass and make them look fresh. There is nothing like the smell in the air after a rain.

At night the rain reflects the taillights of the cars in parallel, red stripes and the street lights in patches of white. The pavement sparkles with reflected light.

Rain is life giving to plants and animals alike. We humans hate getting out in it to go to work or run errands. I always wondered why. I am that way too. It's not that I will melt (heaven forbid) but that I will end up looking like a drowned rat and my clothes may be "dry clean only."

I much prefer rain over snow. Snow is pretty but eventually turns to brown ice and is ugly. Plus you have to shovel or snowblow snow.

I am enjoying the rain but I have to admit I would enjoy it more if I were at home curled up with a book and a cup of tea.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Exercize, Smexercize

I have absolutely no motivation when it comes to exercise. I have all the good intentions in the world to go to the gym 3 times a week. So far I have made it twice a week and feel guilty about that.

Today I was going to go at 11:30 and the time came and went and I didn't go. I need to go and should go but I don't.

Maybe tomorrow.

I guess I should be satisfied with 2 times a week since that is 2 times more than I was exercising before I joined the gym. That's a good thing, isn't it?

The other problem is that because I am doing all this enormous amount of exercise, I think I can eat more. There is some twisted logic in that. Anyway, I have put on 2 pounds in the last week. Ugh! I hate it when that happens.

Well, wish me luck in getting to the gym tomorrow. I'll need it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Mental Illness

I have a very sweet, young friend who has a mental condition called Bi-polar disease. It is a troubling thing. She chooses not to take her medication which, I am told, is common among those with the disorder. She doesn't like the way it makes her feel or, actually, the way it makes her not feel.

She struggles against unseen demons, she is one day cheerful and full of life and the next day, dark and angry and upset. I am helpless. I am sad. I wish I knew what to do.

She is creative and beautiful and has had to deal with many things in her young life that most people could not dream of. I don't know if this is what caused her brain to deal with reality differently than mine does. I don't know. I wish I did.

If this were a physical illness, I would be better equipped. I could put on a band aid, or make chicken soup, or offer an aspirin but none of these things will relieve her suffering.

My problems seem to be dwarfed by what she is going through. I pray for her and trust that God will intervene. I don't know what else to do.

Please God, help her and bring her peace.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Exercise - good for the soul

Well, I went to exercise at Curves 2 times last week. I may go tomorrow (Saturday), too. We'll see! I usually go at lunch time and the women who are there are "middle aged" like me. I am guessing we are all trying to gain some of that muscle tone we have lost due to inactivity and aging. Ugh!

I have discovered muscles I forgot I had and a sense of accomplishment that surprised me. I work hard at the machines and am a little sore afterwards. Which I think is good.

I was athletic in High School but that was a looooong time ago. Since then I have exercised sporadically, if at all.

It feels wonderful to awaken that "power(?)." Understand that power is a relative term. What is powerful to a hummingbird is not powerful to a lion. I am more on the hummingbird side! I'm working toward the lion!!

Wish me luck in keeping motivated.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Shut ma' mouth!

I listened to a devotional by Patsy Clairmont a couple of days ago that really struck home.

She quoted Psalms.."may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to you oh Lord..."

My mouth gets me in trouble all the time. I don't know why I can't control it sometimes but I can't. Many of my utterances are definitely NOT acceptable to God or to the person to whom I am speaking.

I let my temper or my frustration or whatever, allow me to utter words that are rude, hurtful, sarcastic or thoughtless. I always regret it afterwards but that does not help.

My self-editor malfunctions and I hear myself say things that I can't take back.

I apologize and am truly sorry but it does not erase the initial cut. I don't want to have to apologize so often. It's embarrassing and annoying and after a while people get tired of the apologies.

Please God, help me control my tongue and make my words acceptable to you and to others.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Exercise? Healthy? Hmmmm!

Yesterday I had my first session at Curves, an exercise place I joined a few days ago. I knew I was in bad shape but going through the machines just brought it out. I am not heavy, most people think I am thin, but looks can be deceiving. Just because I am slim does not mean I am in good shape.

I worked my way around the circuit with the encouragement of a girl who looked to me to still be in High School. She smiled and pushed and explained and was generally cheerful. Some of the exercises, expecially the ones that required some amount of upper body strength, I failed at miserably. One required me to put my arm behind a couple of pads at shoulder height and then push the pads together in front of me. For a moment I thought the machine was stuck as I could not move. Then I realized that it was just my weak muscles that were stuck. How embarrassing.

In High School, I had been a "jock." I had played field hockey, basketball and volleyball and lettered in all. But I am 40+ years past High School and my muscles know even if I am in denial. (Denial is such a wonderful, safe place to be!)

So wish me luck with my exercise program. I will keep you posted on my progress.