Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My brother

He came from around the bathroom door into the room at the nursing home. This small, frail, old man. I didn't recognize him. His face is thin like a cancer patient, his eyes are sunken and his back is stooped. I must be in the wrong room, I thought.

But he saw me and his eyes lighted up and his mouth formed what I supposed was to be a smile but looked more like he was going to say "Oh."

He shuffled over to give me a hug and I fought back the tears.

I was there to help and to visit and to be encouraging. How was I going to do that, I thought? I prayed and God answered.

Through all the changes in his appearance, I still saw my brother. The way he talked, the way he laughed, the way he can get on my last nerve like no one else.

We visited about what we were going to do with the things in his apartment. He seems to have come to terms with that. We must be out my the end of September. The apartment is already rented to someone else.

We talked about moving him to a nursing home closer to his old stomping grounds and closer to his son so it will be easier to visit him. That's when I lost it and sobbed. I cried because I don't live closer and cannot be of much help. I cried for the man that was and for the old man that is. It didn't last long but I needed that release and then I was OK.

I saw him in the evening everyday. We (his son & I ) worked hard all day to clean and straighten the apartment in preparation for the Estate Liquidators to come in. It was a physically and emotionally draining 2 days.

I came home exhausted but at peace. I don't know if I will see him again but he appreciated my visit. Hospice is taking good care of him but he is obviously very ill. He could live longer than expected or he could be gone tomorrow. Either way, I love him and am glad he is my brother.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Winds of change

The breeze makes the grass's plumes dance. The view is ever changing.
My elementary school Sunday School students talked about the changing of the seasons. How Summer becomes Fall and Fall becomes Winter and how it is all a part of God's plan. We marvelled at the miracle of it all.
But we complain about the heat in the Summer, the cold in the Winter, having to rake leaves in the Fall. It's never quite right.
The changes in the seasons of our lives are just as hard to deal with. We complain about not being able to do the things we used to do. We are concerned about the way we can't remember things with way we used to. We are saddened by the illnesses of our friends. We worry about money.
But I have to remember, that these seasons are also a part of God's plan and to enjoy and revel and marvel at the miracle of life. There is joy in every day if we just look for it. Most of the time we don't have to look too far, either.
May you find joy in your day and all your days to come. Watch the leaves sway in the breeze, notice the changing colors and praise God for it all.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


"I see you." That was a phrase used in the movie "Avatar" that really hit home with me.

How many times do we talk to someone and not really see them? Often, in our busy lives, we don't see people. We don't want to see people. It's messy. It doesn't fit into our schedules. It costs us too much emotionally.

People need to be seen. I have been feeling very invisible lately.

People see me as self-sufficient, efficient, organized and a person who gets things done. They don't see that I am hurting, hungry for friends, unhappy. They see what they want to see.

They see what I can do for them but never ask what they can do for me and really mean it.

It hurts. I am not supposed to need anything, I guess. I am supposed to be always cheerful, always in control. But I am not and no one sees that.

But, as my husband pointed out and a card from a friend pointed out, God sees me. He knows what I need and how I feel.

Without it sounding like blasphemy, sometimes that's not enough. I need a real flesh and blood person to talk to, to hug me, to allow me to cry, to really see me as the human being I am with all my imperfections and love me anyway. I am praying to God to bring me that person.

Do you ever feel like you are not seen? How does it make you feel?