I wrote awhile ago about my brother and my dilemma with him. Last week, I broke down. I could not take it any more. I called my sister and she agreed to take over the "care and feeding" of our brother. I have been responsible since our mother died in 2002.
I was so relieved and I could not believe the happiness I felt. Then came the guilt.
I love my brother but he was sucking the life out of me. Everytime the phone rang and it was him, my whole demeanor changed and I became a different person who I didn't like very much. Think Cruella Divile or Leona Helmsley. Not a pretty picture and not like my normal personality (or at least I would like to think so!)
He called sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. It was exhausting.
My sister and I agreed that I would not talk to him until I felt stronger and more able to deal with his neediness. That is hard. He called last night while we were out and left a message. Just hearing his voice triggered the guilt again.
It is also hard to hand the responsibility over to my "little" sister. I have always protected her and now she is taking that role for me. Very odd.
When God works a miracle on my soul, I will be able to talk to my brother just as his sister and that will be wonderful.
Pray for me.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Stop the World I want to get off
That was the title of a movie in the 70s. I don't remember what it was about but the title somehow fits my life right now.
Currently:
I am applying for a home equity loan to pay off some credit card debt. We are trying to be debt free by the time we retire and this will make it happen. The bank needs so much information but I am close to being ready to submit the application this next week.
I am tring to get papers together to take to my accountant to get my taxes done. It used to be so simple. When did it get so complicated?
I am in charge of publicity for a Quilt Show at our church. I don't know how I volunteered for that. Sometimes I speak before I think. anyway, I sent out 13 emails and 7 mailings on Thursday night. I have 26 quilt shops in Nebraska to contact and send brochures to. Then I will hit the fabric stores, hotels and chamber of commerce here in town.
I am part of a Women's Conference in May and wrote the first draft of my talk last night.
I am the Moderator of my church which is like head of the Deacon board. I have an All Church Meeting coming up in 2 weeks and I set up the agenda last night and sent some By Law language to my board to review.
This morning I am going to a brunch with a group of PEOs. This should be fun but it is just another thing to do. I will leave at 8:30 and be back home about noon. Then the lady who is planning the Quilt Show will come over at 1:00pm to help with the publicity.
Oh, I need to run and get in the shower so I am ready when they pick me up.
Did I mention that I also work full time? My job is OK but not something that I wake up and face with excitement. I am counting the days until I can retire. Let me see that would be 3,102 days to be exact.
Oh yes, I almost forgot, I teach Sunday School, sing on the Praise Team almost every week and handle my brother's finances.
In June, I plan to say no to everything and run away.
Currently:
I am applying for a home equity loan to pay off some credit card debt. We are trying to be debt free by the time we retire and this will make it happen. The bank needs so much information but I am close to being ready to submit the application this next week.
I am tring to get papers together to take to my accountant to get my taxes done. It used to be so simple. When did it get so complicated?
I am in charge of publicity for a Quilt Show at our church. I don't know how I volunteered for that. Sometimes I speak before I think. anyway, I sent out 13 emails and 7 mailings on Thursday night. I have 26 quilt shops in Nebraska to contact and send brochures to. Then I will hit the fabric stores, hotels and chamber of commerce here in town.
I am part of a Women's Conference in May and wrote the first draft of my talk last night.
I am the Moderator of my church which is like head of the Deacon board. I have an All Church Meeting coming up in 2 weeks and I set up the agenda last night and sent some By Law language to my board to review.
This morning I am going to a brunch with a group of PEOs. This should be fun but it is just another thing to do. I will leave at 8:30 and be back home about noon. Then the lady who is planning the Quilt Show will come over at 1:00pm to help with the publicity.
Oh, I need to run and get in the shower so I am ready when they pick me up.
Did I mention that I also work full time? My job is OK but not something that I wake up and face with excitement. I am counting the days until I can retire. Let me see that would be 3,102 days to be exact.
Oh yes, I almost forgot, I teach Sunday School, sing on the Praise Team almost every week and handle my brother's finances.
In June, I plan to say no to everything and run away.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Teach my your ways, O Lord
I have a daily "Inspiration and Motivation" book that I keep at my desk.
The other morning after a particularly difficult meeting, I was reading that days bit of wisdom.
It made me laugh and it made me think. It said:
"Lord, help me get along with the difficult people in my life...especially those who are probably praying this prayer about me right now!"
It made me realize that, to others, I may be the difficult person in their lives. I don't think that makes a very good witness for Christ. I need to do better about seeing the other person's perspective and thinking before I speak. These are not my gifts.
I can be stubborn, hard headed and opinionated. And back East, where I grew up, that was OK. But in the Midwest, it is not.
I will remember my little prayer above and do better in the days and weeks ahead. How about you?
The other morning after a particularly difficult meeting, I was reading that days bit of wisdom.
It made me laugh and it made me think. It said:
"Lord, help me get along with the difficult people in my life...especially those who are probably praying this prayer about me right now!"
It made me realize that, to others, I may be the difficult person in their lives. I don't think that makes a very good witness for Christ. I need to do better about seeing the other person's perspective and thinking before I speak. These are not my gifts.
I can be stubborn, hard headed and opinionated. And back East, where I grew up, that was OK. But in the Midwest, it is not.
I will remember my little prayer above and do better in the days and weeks ahead. How about you?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Lenten Sacrifice
My husband and I gave up watching TV for Lent.
It was a hard decision and, because it was so hard, we were convinced that it needed to be done.
We are now at the end of the first week and it has been amazing. The quiet is overwhelming sometimes and we do listen to music either on the radio or a CD.
We have talked more in the last week than we have in the last year. It is wonderful to re-connect with my spouse. This was a benefit I had not expected but am enjoying very much.
Before giving up the TV, we would eat breakfast and dinner with the TV on and hardly say a word to each other. Now we talk about our day and other things that are on our minds. Who knew??
It has also been less stressful to not hear all the news. News programs are mostly negative and filled with doom and gloom. It's nice to not have that forced into our ears. We read the newspaper - with the newspaper you can decide to read an article or not. It's very freeing.
I am also looking forward to evenings where we can do things around the house without being glued to the TV. Most of the time the programs we watched were not worth our time.
I hope when Lent is over, we will be more discerning about our viewing and watch less TV and continue our dialogue about life.
It was a hard decision and, because it was so hard, we were convinced that it needed to be done.
We are now at the end of the first week and it has been amazing. The quiet is overwhelming sometimes and we do listen to music either on the radio or a CD.
We have talked more in the last week than we have in the last year. It is wonderful to re-connect with my spouse. This was a benefit I had not expected but am enjoying very much.
Before giving up the TV, we would eat breakfast and dinner with the TV on and hardly say a word to each other. Now we talk about our day and other things that are on our minds. Who knew??
It has also been less stressful to not hear all the news. News programs are mostly negative and filled with doom and gloom. It's nice to not have that forced into our ears. We read the newspaper - with the newspaper you can decide to read an article or not. It's very freeing.
I am also looking forward to evenings where we can do things around the house without being glued to the TV. Most of the time the programs we watched were not worth our time.
I hope when Lent is over, we will be more discerning about our viewing and watch less TV and continue our dialogue about life.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
God's Hand
Last night I saw God's hand at work. I had met one of my "blog friends" a few weeks ago and thoroughly enjoyed her. I had met a lady who was visiting our church who was struggling with having just moved to our town. As a stay-at-home mom, she had made no friends.
God said to me "They should meet."
So last night, we all three got together for coffee. It was wonderful. They both are transplants from other parts of the country. One has been here 8 years but still remembers the loneliness and the pain. They talked about that.
They both have 8 year old boys. One little boy is in need of friends. They are planning a play date.
They both have connection to writing. They talked about that.
It was amazing. They exchanged contact information.
I left about 8:00pm and they were still at the table talking. I left with a joy in my heart that I was not expecting.
God works in wonderful ways and I was humbled to be a small part of it.
God said to me "They should meet."
So last night, we all three got together for coffee. It was wonderful. They both are transplants from other parts of the country. One has been here 8 years but still remembers the loneliness and the pain. They talked about that.
They both have 8 year old boys. One little boy is in need of friends. They are planning a play date.
They both have connection to writing. They talked about that.
It was amazing. They exchanged contact information.
I left about 8:00pm and they were still at the table talking. I left with a joy in my heart that I was not expecting.
God works in wonderful ways and I was humbled to be a small part of it.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Involuntary musings
When you are posting a comment to someones blog, do you try to pronounce the security word you have type in? I can't help my self. It's often just random letters but I still try to make it a pronounceable word. And then I laugh at myself.
Do you ever read someone else's blog and know that what you just wrote was lame? I write what I feel or see but I do not have the turn of phrase that some have. I enjoy reading blogs sometimes more than I enjoy writing in my own! But I keep writing..hmmmm.
Are you always counting the days yet to pass before ....some event? We count the days until Valentines Day, the days until Easter, the days until Christmas or our birthdays or the weekend. We live in the anticipation of the future and forget about today. I do it all the time. I am trying to appreciate the day and not "look forward" to so many things. God said his name is I AM not I will be. God is in the here and now. I have to remember that.
Are you reading this and wondering when I am going to get to some point? Hate to disappoint you but there is no point to all this. Just random musings.
It does though say a lot about me and how my brain works or doesn't at times. Scary!
Do you ever read someone else's blog and know that what you just wrote was lame? I write what I feel or see but I do not have the turn of phrase that some have. I enjoy reading blogs sometimes more than I enjoy writing in my own! But I keep writing..hmmmm.
Are you always counting the days yet to pass before ....some event? We count the days until Valentines Day, the days until Easter, the days until Christmas or our birthdays or the weekend. We live in the anticipation of the future and forget about today. I do it all the time. I am trying to appreciate the day and not "look forward" to so many things. God said his name is I AM not I will be. God is in the here and now. I have to remember that.
Are you reading this and wondering when I am going to get to some point? Hate to disappoint you but there is no point to all this. Just random musings.
It does though say a lot about me and how my brain works or doesn't at times. Scary!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A Change of Attitude
I looked back at my last couple of posts and thought, "whoa, what a downer this person is. Her profile says she's a glass half full person but you surely couldn't prove by her posts lately."
So I decided to have an attitude adjustment.
I am looking at the sky that is filling with clouds and thinking how beautiful they are. Bright white at the edges and grey in the middle. Layers of fluffy looking structures that will bring us rain or snow or something. I am focusing on the beauty.
I am feeling the cold wind on my face and drawing my coat tighter around my neck and I am thinking about the invigorating feeling the cold air gives. It gives cheeks a rosy glow and makes your breath visible. I am focusing on the beauty.
God's world is an amazing place and the balances in nature are beyond my imagination and He made it all with a purpose. I am humbled and I am focusing on the beauty.
So I decided to have an attitude adjustment.
I am looking at the sky that is filling with clouds and thinking how beautiful they are. Bright white at the edges and grey in the middle. Layers of fluffy looking structures that will bring us rain or snow or something. I am focusing on the beauty.
I am feeling the cold wind on my face and drawing my coat tighter around my neck and I am thinking about the invigorating feeling the cold air gives. It gives cheeks a rosy glow and makes your breath visible. I am focusing on the beauty.
God's world is an amazing place and the balances in nature are beyond my imagination and He made it all with a purpose. I am humbled and I am focusing on the beauty.
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