I found it

While looking for some photos to display on Saturday at my brother's funeral lunch, my "book" was found.

I have been looking for it for years and now it has found me!

When I wrote it, I was using a typewriter. Do you remember what a typewriter is? There are a lot of "typos" which will be corrected when I transfer it all to the computer. I had written about 50 pages which is less than one third of what I think the finished product will be. It is based on my Grandfather's life and the story he wrote about growing up in the 1800's in the Plains states.

I am enjoying reading it. I think it might make a good children's book. We'll see.

I think God helped me find it just when I needed it. The idea of my brother's death and burial has not been easy. We fought a lot but I loved him very much. I have very conflicted feelings about him. I have written about that in prior Blogs.

Looking through old photos of us when we were children and finding my "book" has lifted my spirits more than I could have imagined. I now feel I can face Saturday's services.

Even though I often forget it, God is in control. He makes things happen in His time not in ours. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

Let it Snow

We went out to dinner last night in the rain. About 10:00pm, I looked out at the back yard and it was white with snow. What a surprise! Our summer lawn furniture was not looking very summery! It looked kind of forlorn actually.

I am not a big fan of cold weather but there is something about snow that I love.

It is clean and white (for a little while anyway!)

It brings back childhood memories of sledding and snow angels and snowball fights.

It brings images of fires in the fireplace, hot chocolate, crisp, cold air, rosy cheeks and the Holidays.

For some strange reason, snow makes me feel warm inside. Doesn't make much sense but then some things are not meant to make sense, I guess.

I think that humans, like bears, have a hibernation instinct. With the first snow, we are ready to hunker down in our caves, keep cozy and warm and wait for spring. At least, I am!

Happy winter everyone!

R.I.P.

April 5, 1942 - November 3, 2010

Beloved son, father and brother.

Another perspective

"He was a great guy." "He was my mentor and role model." "I really like him." My cousin told me a story this weekend of going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with my brother who spoke at the meeting. Everyone was enthralled and after the meeting surrounded him like a rock star and asked him all kinds of questions. After the meeting, a bunch went with him to a nearby coffee shop and talked for hours.

I hear other people talk about my brother and it's like they are talking about someone else. Someone I don't know. I am amazed and surprised and warmed and guilt ridden.

Hearing about my brother from someone else's perspective is a real eye opener.

To me he is a needy person who wasted his life on drugs and alcohol. Who was self-centered, who never held a "real"job and who made my parents unhappy. I am often angry with him.

To others he is a person who was caring and smart and funny and led a life of purpose.

It made me think about the way God looks at us. He knows the person on the inside. The person he created. He looks beyond the earthly mistakes and shortcomings and looks into the heart.

I try to look at all people as God's children. It isn't always easy and, it seems, is even harder when it is my brother. But hearing about him from others makes me take a look inside myself and examine my heart. It is often a hard heart and that makes me feel bad.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brother deeply. We have a long and complicated history. But I realize that I really don't know him and that is sad. It is sad because he has been my brother all of my life and because he is dying of hepatitis C and liver failure.

I hope God grants me enough time to really get to know my brother. And I pray that he gives me eyes to see people as he sees them and not through my very limited vision.

My brother

He came from around the bathroom door into the room at the nursing home. This small, frail, old man. I didn't recognize him. His face is thin like a cancer patient, his eyes are sunken and his back is stooped. I must be in the wrong room, I thought.

But he saw me and his eyes lighted up and his mouth formed what I supposed was to be a smile but looked more like he was going to say "Oh."

He shuffled over to give me a hug and I fought back the tears.

I was there to help and to visit and to be encouraging. How was I going to do that, I thought? I prayed and God answered.

Through all the changes in his appearance, I still saw my brother. The way he talked, the way he laughed, the way he can get on my last nerve like no one else.

We visited about what we were going to do with the things in his apartment. He seems to have come to terms with that. We must be out my the end of September. The apartment is already rented to someone else.

We talked about moving him to a nursing home closer to his old stomping grounds and closer to his son so it will be easier to visit him. That's when I lost it and sobbed. I cried because I don't live closer and cannot be of much help. I cried for the man that was and for the old man that is. It didn't last long but I needed that release and then I was OK.

I saw him in the evening everyday. We (his son & I ) worked hard all day to clean and straighten the apartment in preparation for the Estate Liquidators to come in. It was a physically and emotionally draining 2 days.

I came home exhausted but at peace. I don't know if I will see him again but he appreciated my visit. Hospice is taking good care of him but he is obviously very ill. He could live longer than expected or he could be gone tomorrow. Either way, I love him and am glad he is my brother.

Winds of change

The breeze makes the grass's plumes dance. The view is ever changing.

My elementary school Sunday School students talked about the changing of the seasons. How Summer becomes Fall and Fall becomes Winter and how it is all a part of God's plan. We marvelled at the miracle of it all.

But we complain about the heat in the Summer, the cold in the Winter, having to rake leaves in the Fall. It's never quite right.

The changes in the seasons of our lives are just as hard to deal with. We complain about not being able to do the things we used to do. We are concerned about the way we can't remember things with way we used to. We are saddened by the illnesses of our friends. We worry about money.

But I have to remember, that these seasons are also a part of God's plan and to enjoy and revel and marvel at the miracle of life. There is joy in every day if we just look for it. Most of the time we don't have to look too far, either.

May you find joy in your day and all your days to come. Watch the leaves sway in the breeze, notice the changing colors and praise God for it all.

I SEE YOU

"I see you." That was a phrase used in the movie "Avatar" that really hit home with me.

How many times do we talk to someone and not really see them? Often, in our busy lives, we don't see people. We don't want to see people. It's messy. It doesn't fit into our schedules. It costs us too much emotionally.

People need to be seen. I have been feeling very invisible lately.

People see me as self-sufficient, efficient, organized and a person who gets things done. They don't see that I am hurting, hungry for friends, unhappy. They see what they want to see.

They see what I can do for them but never ask what they can do for me and really mean it.

It hurts. I am not supposed to need anything, I guess. I am supposed to be always cheerful, always in control. But I am not and no one sees that.

But, as my husband pointed out and a card from a friend pointed out, God sees me. He knows what I need and how I feel.

Without it sounding like blasphemy, sometimes that's not enough. I need a real flesh and blood person to talk to, to hug me, to allow me to cry, to really see me as the human being I am with all my imperfections and love me anyway. I am praying to God to bring me that person.

Do you ever feel like you are not seen? How does it make you feel?