I wish I could write every day. I don't though.
It just seems like life gets in the way- work cooking, eating, sleeping, laundry, watching TV, dealing with my brother's situation (yesterday's blog) and much more.
I know it's all an excuse. I just do not always have the energy to share. I feel sucked dry right now.
Today I wait for a call from the Hospice nurse after she has done her evaluation of my brother. He is now moved and planted in the Care Home. I pray that that is what it will be - a place that will care for him.
Now we have to clean out his apartment, close his accounts and erase all memories of the life he had for over 20 years in that place. I find it incredibly sad. It is so hard to do from 2000 miles away.
I wish he were a Christian. It would make the whole process so much easier. He would have hope and heaven to look forward to.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
I plan to go visit in the next few weeks. Not sure when.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Am I My Brother's Keeper - yes
My brother, who I have written about before, is not doing well. he is currently in the hospital and will be moved to a nursing home soon.
It is quite apparent that he can no longer take care of himself. The Hepitis C that is destroying his liver is not only effecting him physically but mentally. I am sad.
I talked with him tonight and he sounded like a drunk. He slurred his words and much of the time did not make mush sense. But he understood that I love him and have his best interests at heart.
The doctor says he may have a year to live. If he goes to a place where he will be taken care of, that is a possibility.
It's amazing the things we do to ourselves with no thought of the long term consequences. We drink too much, we smoke, we lie out in the sun to get tan, we drive too fast. In his case, add in drug use and you have the whole cocktail that made his liver fail. I don't know that it would have changed his decisions if he had known he would only live to be 69. Probably not. At 20 years old, that seems like a long way away.
As much as he has driven me crazy at times over the past few years, the thought of not having him around at all is difficult. You kind of expect your siblings to live a long time and keep you company in your old age. This is not going to happen with my brother. I cry.
I pray for him. I pray for me.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.
It is quite apparent that he can no longer take care of himself. The Hepitis C that is destroying his liver is not only effecting him physically but mentally. I am sad.
I talked with him tonight and he sounded like a drunk. He slurred his words and much of the time did not make mush sense. But he understood that I love him and have his best interests at heart.
The doctor says he may have a year to live. If he goes to a place where he will be taken care of, that is a possibility.
It's amazing the things we do to ourselves with no thought of the long term consequences. We drink too much, we smoke, we lie out in the sun to get tan, we drive too fast. In his case, add in drug use and you have the whole cocktail that made his liver fail. I don't know that it would have changed his decisions if he had known he would only live to be 69. Probably not. At 20 years old, that seems like a long way away.
As much as he has driven me crazy at times over the past few years, the thought of not having him around at all is difficult. You kind of expect your siblings to live a long time and keep you company in your old age. This is not going to happen with my brother. I cry.
I pray for him. I pray for me.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Danny
I saw him as I pulled into the parking space in front of the coffee shop. He sat cross legged in a little patch of shade to protect him from the bright sun. He held a hand-lettered cardboard sign stating the obvious "Homeless, please help." The barrister inside the coffee shop stuck his head out the door and asked "Are you OK out there?" The man replied, "I'm fine."
I got out of the car. Painfully aware that he was watching me open my wallet and put 60 cents in the parking meter. Was it his eyes I felt or my conscience? Having been brought up in New York, I am good at the "make no eye contact" walk. But even without looking, I knew he was there. I entered the coffee shop.
I had come to the coffee shop because I had heard it was closing. I was heartbroken. If I was downtown and wanted coffee, it was my "go to" place. The beautiful courtyard was in danger of being transformed into a beer garden. I was paying my last respects. It was an act of charity really.
I had my coffee and a cookie that was big enough to feel a family of four. After about an hour of reading my latest mystery novel, I was ready to leave and knew I would have to walk past the man outside the door again.
I asked the barrister, "So what's the story of the man outside?"
"Oh, that's Danny, he's just homeless," came the reply. The callousness of the reply hit me like a slap in the face. People aren't "just' homeless. It seems to be a fairly serious situation.
"He's trying to get back on his feet," he continued.
I took a dollar out of my wallet before I opened the door. I walked to the man still seated on the concrete and held it out to him. He saw the bill out of the corner of his eye and flinched a little. As he reached for it, he looked into my eyes.
I was surprised to see a man in his early 40s with a smooth, clean shaven brown face raised to mine and large intelligent brown eyes looking out from that face.
I'm not sure what I expected but not that. I guess I thought he would be dirty and older and have rheumy, blood shot eyes from too much alcohol or drugs. But that was not the case. He said "Thank you" and I said, "You're welcome."
I got into my car and started it. I looked up and he smiled and waved at me. I smiled and waved back.
All the way home, I wondered about this Danny. What was his story, why was he begging on the street? My dollar seemed so small and insignificant but he was grateful enough to wave at me as I backed out of my parking space.
I hope I see him again. I would like to know more about him. In the meantime, I will pray that God will bring people to help him back on his feet. Maybe I helped a little.
I got out of the car. Painfully aware that he was watching me open my wallet and put 60 cents in the parking meter. Was it his eyes I felt or my conscience? Having been brought up in New York, I am good at the "make no eye contact" walk. But even without looking, I knew he was there. I entered the coffee shop.
I had come to the coffee shop because I had heard it was closing. I was heartbroken. If I was downtown and wanted coffee, it was my "go to" place. The beautiful courtyard was in danger of being transformed into a beer garden. I was paying my last respects. It was an act of charity really.
I had my coffee and a cookie that was big enough to feel a family of four. After about an hour of reading my latest mystery novel, I was ready to leave and knew I would have to walk past the man outside the door again.
I asked the barrister, "So what's the story of the man outside?"
"Oh, that's Danny, he's just homeless," came the reply. The callousness of the reply hit me like a slap in the face. People aren't "just' homeless. It seems to be a fairly serious situation.
"He's trying to get back on his feet," he continued.
I took a dollar out of my wallet before I opened the door. I walked to the man still seated on the concrete and held it out to him. He saw the bill out of the corner of his eye and flinched a little. As he reached for it, he looked into my eyes.
I was surprised to see a man in his early 40s with a smooth, clean shaven brown face raised to mine and large intelligent brown eyes looking out from that face.
I'm not sure what I expected but not that. I guess I thought he would be dirty and older and have rheumy, blood shot eyes from too much alcohol or drugs. But that was not the case. He said "Thank you" and I said, "You're welcome."
I got into my car and started it. I looked up and he smiled and waved at me. I smiled and waved back.
All the way home, I wondered about this Danny. What was his story, why was he begging on the street? My dollar seemed so small and insignificant but he was grateful enough to wave at me as I backed out of my parking space.
I hope I see him again. I would like to know more about him. In the meantime, I will pray that God will bring people to help him back on his feet. Maybe I helped a little.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Inside out
The other day, we had barbecued chicken for dinner. You know how the barbecue sauce sometimes can get a little burned? Well, that's the good stuff.
Anyway, after dinner we went to hear a friend's quartet sing. When we got there, I decided that I needed some lipstick. When I looked in the mirror, there was a big black piece of barbecue sauce stuck right in the front of my teeth. Oh my gosh!
My husband had been talking to me before we got to the concert. Why didn't he say anything? So I picked it out of my teeth as descretely as I could and sat down.
Then it hit me! My husband does not see my outside, he sees me for what I am on the inside and that is the way God sees us. He does not see the speck of food in our teeth, he does not see our fumbling and inadequacy, he sees our heart and soul.
Instead of being upset at my husband for not telling me I had food in my teeth, I was grateful to God for looking past my surface and seeing the inside of me that loves Him and tries to follow Him everyday.
Anyway, after dinner we went to hear a friend's quartet sing. When we got there, I decided that I needed some lipstick. When I looked in the mirror, there was a big black piece of barbecue sauce stuck right in the front of my teeth. Oh my gosh!
My husband had been talking to me before we got to the concert. Why didn't he say anything? So I picked it out of my teeth as descretely as I could and sat down.
Then it hit me! My husband does not see my outside, he sees me for what I am on the inside and that is the way God sees us. He does not see the speck of food in our teeth, he does not see our fumbling and inadequacy, he sees our heart and soul.
Instead of being upset at my husband for not telling me I had food in my teeth, I was grateful to God for looking past my surface and seeing the inside of me that loves Him and tries to follow Him everyday.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Giving your life to Christ
I have been pondering that phrase for the last week of two and have come to the conclusion that like so many things we are asked to do by God, it is not possible.
Oh, we think we are. We say the proper platitudes and feel good but when it comes right down to it, no one I know truly gives his or her whole life to God. The only ones who come close are my Pastor and his wife. And I envy them for that. I don't think that's very Christian. Oh well.
I have a mother-in-law who has been a Christian forever. She believes, I have no doubt. She can say things about God being in control and in the next breath she is saying something very un-Christian about the President or someone else and it makes me cringe.
I am no better. I have many gods before Him - money, food, clothes (especially shoes), my husband (who should have been first on the list), my job. I try to give my life to Christ. To turn all my troubles over to Him and then I worry all night about something I have no control over. I try to be a good example of Christ's love and then I say words under my breath about someone else's driving.
I don't gossip (much), I love everyone (mostly) and I follow Christ(when it doesn't interfere with other things.) See what I mean?
I am so in awe of God's grace and that he knows how short I fall and loves me anyway.
And, please know this, He loves you, too.
Oh, we think we are. We say the proper platitudes and feel good but when it comes right down to it, no one I know truly gives his or her whole life to God. The only ones who come close are my Pastor and his wife. And I envy them for that. I don't think that's very Christian. Oh well.
I have a mother-in-law who has been a Christian forever. She believes, I have no doubt. She can say things about God being in control and in the next breath she is saying something very un-Christian about the President or someone else and it makes me cringe.
I am no better. I have many gods before Him - money, food, clothes (especially shoes), my husband (who should have been first on the list), my job. I try to give my life to Christ. To turn all my troubles over to Him and then I worry all night about something I have no control over. I try to be a good example of Christ's love and then I say words under my breath about someone else's driving.
I don't gossip (much), I love everyone (mostly) and I follow Christ(when it doesn't interfere with other things.) See what I mean?
I am so in awe of God's grace and that he knows how short I fall and loves me anyway.
And, please know this, He loves you, too.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Worship
I have been thinking about a young woman in my church. She stands during service and looks, for the most part, distracted and bored out of her mind. Like she would rather be having a root canal than be where she is. Occasionally, she joins in - when the music is more to her liking.
It got me thinking about our worship. Do we just worship when the music and the lighting and the atmosphere is right? Do we need all that stuff to worship? SHOULD we need all that stuff to worship?
What should move us to worship is our love of God- period. We should be able to worship and praise even if the music is unfamiliar or old fashioned, the baby behind us is crying, the air conditioner is not set exactly at a comfortable level. It should not matter - but it does.
Why do we let these things interfere with our reaching out to God? We are human, true. We are imperfect, me especially. We were given free will, we exercise it.
This week, I am going to concentrate on God and worship in all circumstances.
How about you?
It got me thinking about our worship. Do we just worship when the music and the lighting and the atmosphere is right? Do we need all that stuff to worship? SHOULD we need all that stuff to worship?
What should move us to worship is our love of God- period. We should be able to worship and praise even if the music is unfamiliar or old fashioned, the baby behind us is crying, the air conditioner is not set exactly at a comfortable level. It should not matter - but it does.
Why do we let these things interfere with our reaching out to God? We are human, true. We are imperfect, me especially. We were given free will, we exercise it.
This week, I am going to concentrate on God and worship in all circumstances.
How about you?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
New Beginnings
I have a new job! The words do not sound real but I know it's real. I start on Friday.
I never thought that anyone would hire someone "my age." I believed what the world had told me that getting a job after 50 was almost impossible. I let the world block out the fact that God can and does work miracles.
I will be an Administrative Assistant in the Southeast Nebraska Cancer Center. I will do payroll and some HR stuff. Don't know exactly yet.
When they called on Monday, I was thrilled. It made me feel young and useful and needed and wonderful. When I hung up the phone, I thanked God and mentally said "Nah, nah, nah" to the world who had me anxious and doubting.
I will be working in a place and for people who make a difference in people's lives and I love that idea.
So now at 61, I am starting a new job with enthusiasm and hope. It's a new beginning of sorts and I am excited.
God is SO good!
I never thought that anyone would hire someone "my age." I believed what the world had told me that getting a job after 50 was almost impossible. I let the world block out the fact that God can and does work miracles.
I will be an Administrative Assistant in the Southeast Nebraska Cancer Center. I will do payroll and some HR stuff. Don't know exactly yet.
When they called on Monday, I was thrilled. It made me feel young and useful and needed and wonderful. When I hung up the phone, I thanked God and mentally said "Nah, nah, nah" to the world who had me anxious and doubting.
I will be working in a place and for people who make a difference in people's lives and I love that idea.
So now at 61, I am starting a new job with enthusiasm and hope. It's a new beginning of sorts and I am excited.
God is SO good!
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