Who Am I?

I go to a very culturally diverse church. We have Chinese, Karen (pronounced Car-in), African-American, Japanese, Russian, Indian, Sudanese, Spanish and White.

A group of us have taken a test to see how culturally sensitive we are with the goal of functioning better in the congregation. After the test results were in, we were asked to write our "Identity Story." Who am I and what or who shaped me into who I am?

Understanding who we are will help us to understand others. To interact properly with other cultures, we need to know our own identities.

Now I am embarking on the journey of discovering who I am and putting it down on paper. It's not as easy as it sounds. I am a past middle-aged, Irish-German-English white Christian woman who grew up in New York. You would think that was all there was to it, but it's not. What is my culture? Do I have a culture? How does my culture define me?

Have you ever explored who you are and what your culture is? I think it will be a most interesting exercise and I am excited to get started.

When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

A New Beginning - 2012

Saying a New Beginning seems redundant. Who ever heard of an Old Beginning. That aside, I have been reflecting on what I learned in 2011 and how that will benefit me in 2012.

1. I lost 17 pounds (on purpose) and feel great. I have clothes I can now wear more comfortably and clothes I could not get in to that I can wear again. I feel good about myself - much less middle aged complacent. What I will carry in to 2012 is a new eating life style and a new sense of self.

2. My job, which I love, can be all consuming and keep me from doing the other things that bring me joy. What I will carry in to 2012 is to make sure my priorities are correct. My job is important but it is not my life. I had forgotten what joy blogging brought to me and I plan to return to it on a regular basis. Just reading other's postings makes me smile.

3. I was over committed in many areas of my life - job, church, PEO, friends. I need to step back. learn to say 'no thank you' and have time to smell the roses (I know that is cliche but it's true even in the winter!) What I will take into 2012 is a commitment to drop some of my commitments and only keep those that allow me free time.

4. I found my long lost book that I was writing and have done nothing with it. What I will carry into 2012 is a renewed passion to work on my book and get it closer to completion.

Boy, that's a lot. I sense a theme though. Make time to relax, do the things that bring me joy and make the most of my time.

I think I can do this. Pray for me in my weakness!

There is Hope coming

We had a guest speaker today. That is sometimes an anxiety producing event for me. I love my Pastor and, in my mind, no one can preach as good as he does. He touches my soul.

But this guy was close. He was articulate and passionate and had a great message.

He started with John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

He said that was the passage he felt was the essence of Missions. That God loved us so much and Jesus paid the redemptive sacrifice that we were directed to go out and tell others the good news.

He talked about redemption using S&H Green Stamps as an example. For those who remember, cashing in your stamps at the Redemption Center was an exciting thing to do. But it cost something to get those stamps. The redemption was not free. Christ paid the ultimate price for our redemption. And he is still waiting for us at the Redemption Center.

He wants us to bring that redemption to all the world. It sounds overwhelming but it only takes one person. We saw a clip from "Schindler's List" and heard about how one man made such a huge difference and even then he did not feel he had done enough.

His last point was that hope is coming. He talked about Simeon (Luke 2: 25-35) and what he said when they brought Jesus to him to be consecrated. He knew that Jesus was the person he had been waiting for and knew that the world would be changed by him. He was filled with hope. Again, his message was that we were to take this hope out to our neighbors, our friends, and our co-workers.

It was a powerful message and I was so engrossed that I forgot to take notes! I'll do better next time.

Weight Loss

A few months ago it became apparent that I needed to lose a little weight. Not a lot - 15 - 20 pounds. On my 5 foot 6 inch frame, it would be hardly noticeable.

But my clothes were tight and I was beginning to get a "belly." UGH.

That was when I found out that I have no will power or self control. All I had to do was think the word "diet" and I was immediately eating everything that wasn't nailed down. I would get so disgusted with myself. It made me mad at myself and a little depressed.

I did try to lose weight on my own with no success. I thought about Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig but just did not feel motivated. I didn't want to get up in front of a bunch of ladies who were struggling with 50 pounds or more with my measly 15 pounds. I would feel like a fake.

Then I saw a friend who had lost 46 pounds on a particular program and I knew I needed that help.

I started 3 weeks ago and I have lost 8 1/2 pounds. I eat regular food, nothing pre-packaged except for 2 protein drinks a day. It is hard and requires the discipline that I was sure I didn't have.

I am thrilled. I have more energy, my blood pressure is going down, my clothes are beginning to fit better. And all of that keeps me going.

I wore a pair of jeans yesterday that were way too tight a few weeks ago and now not only do they fit better but they seem to have gotten longer, go figure!

I know that God gave me this body just the way it is but I need to take care of it so it functions the way He designed it to function. I feel I am doing that now.

What little self improvement issue do you struggle with and just can't seem to conquer? God will help you find the way and the friends he brought you will be a big support.

Are You the One?

As part of the Hear it on Sunday group, this is my first post.

Sunday we had a guest speaker. He talked about the event where John the Baptist's disciples went to Jesus and asked (at John's request), "Are you the one, or should we look for someone else?"

I have always been amazed that John the Baptist would doubt that Jesus was "the One." But he apparently was expecting Jesus to organize a great army to defeat their enemies and free the Jews. That was not happening so he wondered if there was someone else they should be looking for who was going to do that.

The speaker turned the message around and asked if, when Jesus calls on us, does he have to ask "Are you the one or should I look for someone else?" That really hit me hard. I know there have been times that I sounded like Moses with all my excuses. God probably has been frustrated with me. Actually, more than probably. Most certainly.

So today, I am trying to be open to his call and direction and not have Him wondering if he needs to look elsewhere.

Growing Older with Grace (who's she?)

Growing older is something I cannot escape. I'm not sure I want to. It is all part of God's plan and I am enjoying every confusing, aching, exhilarating moment.

It is confusing because most days I feel like I did 40 years ago and then I look in the mirror and wonder what happened.

It is confusing because sometimes I forget people's names, I can't find quite the right word, I stutter over what I want to say but most of the time my mind is as good as it was 40 years ago. I guess it's more full of stuff!

It is aching because there are times I hurt in places I wasn't sure you could hurt in. Who knew?

It is exhilarating because life is wonderful and I am still here to experience it.

I have discovered a few things that might be helpful to others:

1. When putting on blush after a "certain age," don't smile to make that little apple. Because when you are not smiling, your blush will drop next to your mouth.

2. I find I look better without mascara than with. It keeps me from having that smudged look. You know like the football players on TV! And it makes my eyes look bluer!

3. There may be more aches and pains but the joys are deeper, sweeter and more appreciated than when I was younger.

4. My husband still sees me as young and attractive no matter what I do. I thought about checking his eyesight but decided against it!

5. I know what matters in life much more than I did when I was younger. God, love, friends, family and a good cup of coffee. Possessions are not as important and sunrise is.

I plan to live a long, long time. God may have other plans but as long as He isn't calling me home, I am loving every minute of my life.

Let it Snow, Let in Snow, Let in Snow

We have not had much snow to speak of this winter. It has been quite cold but without snow the cold seems worse.

It is now snowing and will be for the next couple of days. We are to get up to 10 inches, if the weatherman is to be believed.

The snow looks beautiful. It covers the brown of dormant grass and naked trees. I think of the movie Dr Shivago and the snow somehow is romantic. It is soft as if floats down from the white sky. It covers the deck with a comforter of white.

On Monday, when I head out to work, it probably won't seem nearly as romantic as I slip and slide and worry about someone else running in to me. It won't seem so romantic when I am scraping my car's windows and freezing my face and hands.

But for now, I am enjoying watching it come down and cover the ground and thinking that a nice hot cup of coffee would be perfect right now.

Friends

I was talking to some people the other day and it suddenly hit me that there are folks whose only friends and social outlet are their families. They are "friends" with their brothers or sisters, their mothers and fathers, their cousins and aunts and uncles.

It struck me as odd.

I have always had friends outside of my immediate family. These friends have enhanced my life and added a texture and depth that I have treasured over the years.

These friends know me better than my family in some ways and love me anyway. My family can't reject me or stop being my family. They have no choice. But friends from outside the family choose to stay through thick and thin.

I can't imagine my life without my family. They have made me who I am.

But I also can't imagine my life without my friends who are not family. They love who I am. They make me laugh. They cry with me. They make my life rich and full.

God has brought many different friends into my life over the years when I needed them. Some are still friends, some have faded away but I look back and enjoy the memories.

How do you feel about having friends outside of your family? Do you?

I found it

While looking for some photos to display on Saturday at my brother's funeral lunch, my "book" was found.

I have been looking for it for years and now it has found me!

When I wrote it, I was using a typewriter. Do you remember what a typewriter is? There are a lot of "typos" which will be corrected when I transfer it all to the computer. I had written about 50 pages which is less than one third of what I think the finished product will be. It is based on my Grandfather's life and the story he wrote about growing up in the 1800's in the Plains states.

I am enjoying reading it. I think it might make a good children's book. We'll see.

I think God helped me find it just when I needed it. The idea of my brother's death and burial has not been easy. We fought a lot but I loved him very much. I have very conflicted feelings about him. I have written about that in prior Blogs.

Looking through old photos of us when we were children and finding my "book" has lifted my spirits more than I could have imagined. I now feel I can face Saturday's services.

Even though I often forget it, God is in control. He makes things happen in His time not in ours. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

Let it Snow

We went out to dinner last night in the rain. About 10:00pm, I looked out at the back yard and it was white with snow. What a surprise! Our summer lawn furniture was not looking very summery! It looked kind of forlorn actually.

I am not a big fan of cold weather but there is something about snow that I love.

It is clean and white (for a little while anyway!)

It brings back childhood memories of sledding and snow angels and snowball fights.

It brings images of fires in the fireplace, hot chocolate, crisp, cold air, rosy cheeks and the Holidays.

For some strange reason, snow makes me feel warm inside. Doesn't make much sense but then some things are not meant to make sense, I guess.

I think that humans, like bears, have a hibernation instinct. With the first snow, we are ready to hunker down in our caves, keep cozy and warm and wait for spring. At least, I am!

Happy winter everyone!

R.I.P.

April 5, 1942 - November 3, 2010

Beloved son, father and brother.

Another perspective

"He was a great guy." "He was my mentor and role model." "I really like him." My cousin told me a story this weekend of going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with my brother who spoke at the meeting. Everyone was enthralled and after the meeting surrounded him like a rock star and asked him all kinds of questions. After the meeting, a bunch went with him to a nearby coffee shop and talked for hours.

I hear other people talk about my brother and it's like they are talking about someone else. Someone I don't know. I am amazed and surprised and warmed and guilt ridden.

Hearing about my brother from someone else's perspective is a real eye opener.

To me he is a needy person who wasted his life on drugs and alcohol. Who was self-centered, who never held a "real"job and who made my parents unhappy. I am often angry with him.

To others he is a person who was caring and smart and funny and led a life of purpose.

It made me think about the way God looks at us. He knows the person on the inside. The person he created. He looks beyond the earthly mistakes and shortcomings and looks into the heart.

I try to look at all people as God's children. It isn't always easy and, it seems, is even harder when it is my brother. But hearing about him from others makes me take a look inside myself and examine my heart. It is often a hard heart and that makes me feel bad.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brother deeply. We have a long and complicated history. But I realize that I really don't know him and that is sad. It is sad because he has been my brother all of my life and because he is dying of hepatitis C and liver failure.

I hope God grants me enough time to really get to know my brother. And I pray that he gives me eyes to see people as he sees them and not through my very limited vision.

My brother

He came from around the bathroom door into the room at the nursing home. This small, frail, old man. I didn't recognize him. His face is thin like a cancer patient, his eyes are sunken and his back is stooped. I must be in the wrong room, I thought.

But he saw me and his eyes lighted up and his mouth formed what I supposed was to be a smile but looked more like he was going to say "Oh."

He shuffled over to give me a hug and I fought back the tears.

I was there to help and to visit and to be encouraging. How was I going to do that, I thought? I prayed and God answered.

Through all the changes in his appearance, I still saw my brother. The way he talked, the way he laughed, the way he can get on my last nerve like no one else.

We visited about what we were going to do with the things in his apartment. He seems to have come to terms with that. We must be out my the end of September. The apartment is already rented to someone else.

We talked about moving him to a nursing home closer to his old stomping grounds and closer to his son so it will be easier to visit him. That's when I lost it and sobbed. I cried because I don't live closer and cannot be of much help. I cried for the man that was and for the old man that is. It didn't last long but I needed that release and then I was OK.

I saw him in the evening everyday. We (his son & I ) worked hard all day to clean and straighten the apartment in preparation for the Estate Liquidators to come in. It was a physically and emotionally draining 2 days.

I came home exhausted but at peace. I don't know if I will see him again but he appreciated my visit. Hospice is taking good care of him but he is obviously very ill. He could live longer than expected or he could be gone tomorrow. Either way, I love him and am glad he is my brother.

Winds of change

The breeze makes the grass's plumes dance. The view is ever changing.

My elementary school Sunday School students talked about the changing of the seasons. How Summer becomes Fall and Fall becomes Winter and how it is all a part of God's plan. We marvelled at the miracle of it all.

But we complain about the heat in the Summer, the cold in the Winter, having to rake leaves in the Fall. It's never quite right.

The changes in the seasons of our lives are just as hard to deal with. We complain about not being able to do the things we used to do. We are concerned about the way we can't remember things with way we used to. We are saddened by the illnesses of our friends. We worry about money.

But I have to remember, that these seasons are also a part of God's plan and to enjoy and revel and marvel at the miracle of life. There is joy in every day if we just look for it. Most of the time we don't have to look too far, either.

May you find joy in your day and all your days to come. Watch the leaves sway in the breeze, notice the changing colors and praise God for it all.

I SEE YOU

"I see you." That was a phrase used in the movie "Avatar" that really hit home with me.

How many times do we talk to someone and not really see them? Often, in our busy lives, we don't see people. We don't want to see people. It's messy. It doesn't fit into our schedules. It costs us too much emotionally.

People need to be seen. I have been feeling very invisible lately.

People see me as self-sufficient, efficient, organized and a person who gets things done. They don't see that I am hurting, hungry for friends, unhappy. They see what they want to see.

They see what I can do for them but never ask what they can do for me and really mean it.

It hurts. I am not supposed to need anything, I guess. I am supposed to be always cheerful, always in control. But I am not and no one sees that.

But, as my husband pointed out and a card from a friend pointed out, God sees me. He knows what I need and how I feel.

Without it sounding like blasphemy, sometimes that's not enough. I need a real flesh and blood person to talk to, to hug me, to allow me to cry, to really see me as the human being I am with all my imperfections and love me anyway. I am praying to God to bring me that person.

Do you ever feel like you are not seen? How does it make you feel?

The Goal

As I said in my last blog (not the blank one caused by a fingernail!), my nephew is getting married in November and I have a goal.

There is a particular dress that I want to wear to the wedding and I don't fit into it right now. Bummer!

I weighed 115 in High School and I weigh 146 today. It snuck up on me gradually and until I began not being able to get into some of my clothes, I didn't think much about it. I do a good job a camouflaging my middle aged tummy with my choice of clothes.

I cannot diet. As soon as I say the word "diet", I immediately want to eat everything that isn't nailed down. I know it's all in my head but it is soon all on my waist.

So this time, I am just concentrating on portions and stopping eating when I am satisfied not full. To date, if something tastes good, it's hard to no eat it all.

We'll see how this works. Today was my first day and so far so good.

If I get into the dress, I will be sure to post a photo. If I don't get into the dress, I will post a photo of someone else!

Wish me luck.

A New Beginning

My youngest nephew is getting married! I am so excited. He is 32 years old.

He has waited a long time for the right girl. He has had two serious relationships, one of which was an engagement. But they both ended in heart break. He is such a caring person that he always chose women who needed help. They had emotional problems, faith problems, you name it. What he learned was that you can't "fix" another person. Only God can do that.

He had begun to think that God expected him to remain single like Paul. But then, along came Laura. A pretty, smart, christian girl and that all changed. They are such a perfect couple. They both have a heart for youth ministry. They both love the mountains of Colorado. They love to have fun - white water rafting, horseback riding, just goofing around. It is fun to see them together.

They are getting married in Estes Park, Colorado on November 8th. The place they have chosen in spectacular. I hope the weather cooperates so that we can get there from Nebraska.

My nephew wrote to me about how much they are looking forward to their live together. Especially being physically intimate. They have both waited and are so glad. I expect to see great-nephews and nieces very soon.

The whole idea of his happiness and his new life fill me with joy and I am just his Aunt. I can't imagine how his Mom must feel.

God is so good. But it is all in His timing not ours. We are often impatient and try to take things in to our own hands but when we wait on God wonderful things happen.

That is something I need to remind myself often.

Summer to Fall

Normally, this is one of my favorite times of the year. The days are not as humid, the nights are cool enough to have the windows open and there is a change in the air. It's exciting and invigorating.

But this Fall, I am dealing with a brother who is dying thousands of miles away and I can not help. You see, I am one who likes to be in control. If you are in control, nothing will go wrong. If you are in control, things will happen the way you want them to. Apparently, when you are in control you are also delusional!

God has been trying to teach me in various ways that I am NOT in control, even a little, and that all things will happen the way He wants them to. Boy, is that hard.

When God is in control and I don't try to "help", there is a peace and a feeling of joy that is hard to explain. I am trying to be at peace with my brother's situation. I am dealing with his son who is not doing well with this and that is very stressful. There is a part of me that still tries to "organize" things - I guess that's trying to control, isn't it?

I am trying to sell his furniture from a distance and make final arrangements. Not easy. He moved from Nebraska when he was 12 and he was always drawn back here. I am bringing him back here to put him beside our parents. The hardest part is yet to come.

In my mind's eye, my brother is 18 or 19 and we are all still living at home. It's hard to imagine him as old and ill. One's mind is a mysterious thing.

Well, please continue to pray for me. The next few weeks will be difficult and I do appreciate your love and support.

Life

I wish I could write every day. I don't though.

It just seems like life gets in the way- work cooking, eating, sleeping, laundry, watching TV, dealing with my brother's situation (yesterday's blog) and much more.

I know it's all an excuse. I just do not always have the energy to share. I feel sucked dry right now.

Today I wait for a call from the Hospice nurse after she has done her evaluation of my brother. He is now moved and planted in the Care Home. I pray that that is what it will be - a place that will care for him.

Now we have to clean out his apartment, close his accounts and erase all memories of the life he had for over 20 years in that place. I find it incredibly sad. It is so hard to do from 2000 miles away.

I wish he were a Christian. It would make the whole process so much easier. He would have hope and heaven to look forward to.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27




I plan to go visit in the next few weeks. Not sure when.